A View from the Inside

Mirror

2011-12-21T08:55:00.002-06:00

A sixth grade student sang this song at a talent show yesterday and I was enamored with the words...and so impressed with the message this young girl was sharing with her peers. I wanted to save the lyrics for Everly and pray that I am able to pass on this positive message to her, above and beyond what society preaches on a daily basis.

"Mirror"
Barlow Girl

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes
of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me (Yeah)

Who are you tell me
that I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you? (Yeah)
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

You don't define me (You don't define me) [x4]

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah!
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try
Yeah

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

The Path.

2011-12-13T10:26:00.002-06:00

Within two weeks, I will become the Board President for Family Support Services. While I was honored to be chosen to serve, I hadn't really thought deeply about what this service really meant to me. That all changed in an instant at the Christmas dinner last night, as I listened to the testimonials of the outgoing president, featured client and volunteer. I realized that God has led me to this post for a reason - not only for the agency, but for myself.

You see, I understand what so many of the clients feel. I was that 3 year old girl, stepping off a plane from Boston with my mother who was carrying two suitcases containing our only worldly possessions. Without the support of my aunt, we would have needed the help of the shelter. Without the inexpensive items at Goodwill and on the "sale (or soon to expire) rack" at the grocery store, we would have needed the help of the local food pantry.

As a college student dealing with the pain of my past and the uncertainty of my future, I reached out for counseling services. Services, I believe, saved my life. You see, I was also thinking of why ending it all was a better option than living.

And as a young adult, I felt the pain of abuse. I hid the bruises from family and friends. I felt the extreme shame, because you see, I was headed down a successful career path. These things shouldn't be happening to me. I shouldn't have let them happen to me.

My pain and my experiences were short-lived and nothing compared to what our clients have experienced, but I felt it, lived it, nonetheless. I am thankful now that God prepared me to empathize with those we serve. I'm thankful for the path...and excited for the future ahead.

Threads.

2011-12-13T10:18:00.002-06:00

A woman I have come to admire while reading her blog entries documenting her courageous fight with cancer frequently refers to her sweet children as threads. The connotation hits a chord on so many levels with me...and reminds me of what is truly important in life. Family.

Our thread, Eli, kept Michael and I together...even when we thought we were apart. Our thread held strong, constantly connecting the two of us by the one thing most important to each of us. Our thread was always a God-send, but even moreso as he was the tangible evidence of God's will for our future.

Our thread has now doubled and the blessings continue. For that I will always be grateful.

At this time of celebration, remember what is most important. Family.

Pregnancy Perils

2010-11-16T16:13:00.003-06:00

Ah, Pregnancy! I couldn't help but jot down a few of the "perils" I encountered while pregnant with my beautiful Everly Verona. :)

• Please refrain from telling me how big I’ve gotten, how I’m “blossoming,” or how I’m really showing since last time you saw me. I know. I have a mirror at home. I break down in front of it at least once a week. How about let’s try this in the future – “You look so cute.” Or if I don’t, don’t comment on my appearance at all. Simply ask about the baby – when she’s due or if we’ve picked a name. It’s pretty simple.
• On the same note, while I’m overeager to share the name of my sweet bundle of joy, not everyone is. That’s their choice. When you DO ask about the baby’s name and they tell you they’re keeping it a secret…that’s a sign to LEAVE THEM ALONE. They haven’t told their family, why in the world would you think you’ll be able to break them down and talk them into telling you? I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be.
• Speaking of, I also have friends who don’t plan to have babies now – or maybe even ever. That’s ALSO their choice. I’ll never understand how Random Person thinks it’s appropriate to quiz someone about their decision – especially in Random Place, like a crowded restaurant. Unless you plan on carrying and caring for the sweet baby, also LEAVE THEM ALONE.
• Yes, my previous “steel trap” of a brain has turned into partial mush. I realize I’m forgetful. It also makes me a bit crazy. That’s why it’s best not to blame my “baby brain” for anything that’s forgotten.
• It’s incredibly difficult to find the balance between thankfulness and complaints. Let me explain. I don’t feel good. I’ve gained a crazy amount of weight on my otherwise rather small physique in a short amount of time. My hormones are a wreck and I can’t sleep. BUT I know I’m incredibly blessed that God has chosen me to house this little miracle. So…that being said…when you ask me how I’m feeling, I really want to yell how I REALLY feel, but I don’t. My statement at that moment tends to be, “I feel pregnant.”
• I feel like I’m drowning in water. Not literally, mind you, but my twice-hourly visits to the bathroom really cramp my productivity. And my doctor wants me to drink MORE water to combat my body’s obvious resistance to the increased blood flow. Eesh. Every 20 minutes it is.
• Please don’t tell me how you or someone you know is absolutely precious pregnant. That’s wonderful – I’m excited for them. But I feel and look anything but precious, so I’m not really interested in hearing about how adorable they are.
• On that same note, please also refrain from telling me how you or so-in-so were wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes within a week or two of delivery. I don’t care. I won’t be and I need to be fine with that, so you’re not helping. Oh – and I may ruffle some feathers, but I really question whether that’s entirely healthy. Just sayin’. Everyone’s body is different…so please put your miracle stories away and I’ll focus on what’s to come.
• I’m pregnant. I’m hungry. And I can’t have the luxury of wine, so please do not comment on how much I’m eating. I’M GROWING A HUMAN BEING IN MY STOMACH. If I want to eat something, I’m going to. Until my doctor says there’s a problem, that’s what’s going to happen. Period.
• Reiterating the comment above…I can’t have wine. Therefore I tend to be a bit cranky after a long day of work. I do my best to avoid people. You might want to do your best to avoid me. ;)
• I am incredibly tired. Not just a little sleepy, but exhausted. I know this, because I can barely keep my eyes open and my arms feel like I’m carrying 20 pound weights at all times. I also know this because at least one person a day tells me how tired I look. That helps.
• I had another point to make here, but I lost it. Yes, baby brain. But only I can blame that. ;)
• Oh – remembered! Please don’t tell me that you know I’m carrying a little girl, because my looks have changed. Especially when you add not to worry, that you get your looks back after the baby’s born. Translation: wow – you’re fat and ugly. That’s not nice. I realize it’s an old wives’ tale, but just like dangling a piece of string above someone’s stomach to determine the sex of the baby, it doesn’t mean anything to me. It just means I’m fat and ugly.
• Being pregnant is the best way to find out all of the birthdays surrounding the due date of your baby. No matter who you tell, you find out the birthdays of everyone in their family who is near that date. What’s odd to me, though, is when Random Person seems to be offended when you say you’d rather not have to wait 10 days AFTER the due date to make sure your child’s born on Random Person’s Cousin’s birthday. Like I have any control anyway.
• Dear Waiter, it’s not really all that funny to bring out extra sauce “to the pregnant woman at table 12.” Anyone who knows me, knows I love my condiments even when I’m NOT pregnant…so please refrain from this type of comedy.
• Dear Wine Bar Owner, do not approach me minutes after I enter your establishment to tell me that you cannot serve me alcohol. Um, I was there to hear a friend play – not to jeopardize the health of my unborn baby by imbibing in tons of your wine, thank you. On the other hand, many doctors say it’s fine to drink even one glass of wine a day - so who are you to tell me or anyone else what we can and cannot do. I choose not to drink at all. My choice. I don’t appreciate you making a scene like you’re having to cut me off. Maybe you should have focused more on the hand full of people I saw leaving your establishment obviously drunk that evening.
• There’s something a little demoralizing about not being able to bend over and tie your shoelaces. It’s not a good feeling.
• I realize my September due date was not good timing – and that I’ll have to go through the heat of the summer. It’s 100 degrees outside, so I’m obviously aware. We were shooting for October/November, but God had a different plan. There’s not a whole lot I can do about it at this point!
• By the way, this is a TEN month process instead of NINE months. I’m not sure who came up with that substantial lie, but it’s a huge difference!
• My daughter’s name is Everly Verona. I obviously love the name or I wouldn’t subject her to it for the REST OF HER LIFE. So, even if you don’t like it, please pretend to – or don’t ask to begin with. I’m not going to change her name just because Random Person says, “Oh.” with a confused look, so really at this point, you’re just being rude.
• While I realize that my physical condition is obvious, what I plan to do with other parts of my physique really isn’t any of your business. It is never appropriate to ask someone if they are planning to breastfeed. If you feel it necessary, at least use the word “nurse.” On second thought, just don’t ever feel it’s necessary. Nursing is something that many women are incredibly uncomfortable discussing – especially if they’re first-time moms and they’re not sure if it’s something they’re interested in doing or not. I’m more open to discussing it, simply because I did with Eli and plan to with Everly, but even I don’t particularly enjoy having long, personal conversations about my breasts with Random Person.
• I also realize that I have developed a small waddle with my walk. It will only get worse as I get closer to my due date and there’s not much I can do about it. Again, I’m pregnant. You know that, because just yesterday you commented on how much bigger I’d gotten since the last time you’d seen me. Last week. Just so we’re clear - I’m carrying an extra human being – be it a small one - and my center of gravity is a bit off. While the waddle may be cute to you, it is NOT cute in any way to me. In fact, I find it much more enjoyable when you don’t point it out.
• It’s always important to think before you speak. Case in point. The following statement isn’t very nice: “Wow, you’re about to have that baby, huh?!” I still have six weeks to go. See, if you had thought before you spoke, you might have realized that you have no way to gauge the timing of her impending birth…so it’s best not to suggest it’s tomorrow.
• I have decided that hitting the 33 week mark cues something in others to discuss the position of your increasing belly. I can’t tell that she’s dropped, so I really don’t understand how you can either. Or, how you can tell that the baby of my friend who’s due a week after me has also dropped. It’s intriguing to me that we can both get the same comments in the same week at separate places of employment.
• I can now identify with a beached whale. Rolling over in bed just isn’t the same. If it wasn’t so much work – and so uncomfortable – it would be funny. But, ask my husband who accidentally laughed…it’s not. ;)
• Despite the physical toll of hormones and extra weight, your self esteem can only take so much. :) I hope this puts into perspective a little of what pregnant women go through – and why they may be a little more irritable than normal. Please be sweet to them.

Eli - Preschool Graduation! :)

2009-05-19T11:01:00.003-05:00

Eli is officially a graduate of First Baptist Church's Christian Learning Center. :) He was such a big boy at his graduation and was so proud of himself. His teachers asked all of the children what they would like to be when they grow up and Eli stuck to his standby - a policeman. We'll see. :) I'm also adding a picture of Eli and his girlfriend Kamryn. He absolutely loves this little girl and I think she is so precious! :) He has good taste!

Gray's Photo Shoot

2009-03-25T11:02:00.002-05:00

~ Sweet Little Samantha ~

2009-01-30T11:39:00.002-06:00

Sweet Samantha

Meet the newest addition to my zoo of a home! :) Tessa and I found this sweet little one-eyed pug in Canyon a couple of weeks ago. She (we named her Samantha) had a chip, so we were able to talk to the (former) owner - and this is her sad story. Samantha was abandoned by her original owner who moved away and left Sam in his empty house. By the time the owner called his landlord, Sam had been attacked by another dog and lost her eye in the fight. The landlord brought her to the pound and a woman in Dumas rescued her right before she was to be put down. Unfortunately, she couldn't keep Sam, so she gave her to her son…who gave Sam to his friend…who gave Sam to his grandmother…who kept Sam in the backyard, but Sam kept getting out. Long story short, this sweet little pug has seen and experienced way more than any animal should in her four short years. The woman we talked to said she was pure-bred, but of course - who knows who has the papers. I absolutely adore Samantha and she's been sleeping with me for the past couple of weeks. She's a wonderful dog - very, very protective and loyal - and is getting along well with the others... :) I hadn't planned for her, but God had. Welcome home.

Eli - my handsome lil man! :)

2009-01-30T11:37:00.002-06:00

Broken.

2008-11-27T10:21:00.000-06:00

I wrote this in October, after getting back into a relationship I knew I shouldn't get back into...only to have it end it heartache. I was charmed back in once again...and it all came crashing down on me yesterday. The moral - follow God and follow your instincts... The mending process begins again.

The chilly fall wind outside seems to have made its way inside my body to the cold exterior layer of my heart. A heart that had finally allowed itself to open completely to a love I just knew was true and everlasting. A heart that listened intently to the charming, convincing words of a man who in the end, was not at all the man he portrayed himself to be. I have given my heart to God, instead of trying to mend the pieces myself. I know the ice will melt, and my heart will heal. Only then will I ask God to help me open myself up once again to the love and the future He has especially for me. Until that day, I will pray for grace and strength and focus on the overwhelming positives He has already given me.

Let It Go.

2008-10-18T14:42:00.005-05:00

I stole this from my friend Ashley's blog. So very true. The only people you need in your life are the people who have shown they need you in theirs.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to........LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.........LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. "The Battle is the Lord's!"

Comfort

2008-07-11T10:40:00.000-05:00

I'm in awe of the quote below...and have been in deep thought about it since my friend Jackie posted it on my Myspace page yesterday. This is truly, truly what I want...

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Safety and Security

2008-06-24T13:24:00.003-05:00

What I need most and what I crave most in a relationship is safety and security. A friend told me the following while we were talking about relationships this week...and it really hit home. Very insightful.

"You need to feel safe in a relationship. To me, that comes from knowing you mean more to the other person than anyone else and that they will do everything they can to make you happy. Only then are you totally secure."

New York - Mom & Daughter Trip!

2008-06-18T15:23:00.013-05:00

Mom and I had always wanted to travel to New York City, so that's exactly what we did! :) For my 31st birthday (ugh!), she set up an amazing trip and we had such a wonderful time!

We were able to see the Empire State Building...

...the musical Rent (I was dying to be on stage!)...

...and my favorite, the Staten Island Ferry!

But after a few days in record-breaking 100 degree weather + humidity...it was time to go!!

So handsome!

2008-06-18T15:20:00.001-05:00

I just absolutely love this picture and had to share! :)

Eli - The Athlete!

2008-06-18T15:09:00.007-05:00

Eli is officially finished with his first season of t-ball and soccer. Crazy us, we decided to sign him up for both sports at the same time...just to see which one he liked best! After shuttling the little guy between soccer practice, t-ball practice, soccer games, t-ball games, soccer pictures and t-ball pictures...we weren't all that upset to hear that he'd rather not play soccer next time. It WAS entertaining, though, to watch him try to stay as FAR AWAY from the soccer ball as possible. If that meant waiting for all of his other teammates to run by him in order to get to the back of the pack, that's exactly what he did! :)

T-ball was more his speed, but as you can see, he's the SMALLEST one out there! There was two Eli's on his team (so much for picking a unique name...) and he was "Little Eli." I certainly hope he grows soon! ;)

Eli - A Girlfriend?!

2008-04-08T16:46:00.002-05:00

Ah, my sweet little boy has an eye for a sweet little girl! Her name is Samantha, and quite fitting, he has picked the absolute CUTEST girl in his Mother's Day Out class. Seriously, this girl is CUTE and she has the brightest red hair and biggest, bluest eyes. Not so bad, Eli. He spent all last night "calling" and "texting" her. Which by the way, what is this world coming to when a four year old knows how to text on his pretend phone?! Anyway, he paced up and down the hall (just like his mama) telling "Samantha" about his day. I could hear him in the other room asking her if she wanted to come over, then making up a little song that went something like this, "If you have a little dog, come over (imagine a high pitch ending), if you have a big dog, come over, if you have a table, come over (I'm assuming he was just saying whatever he saw at the time), if you have a shoe, come over..." It went on and on. Tessa and I were laughing (to ourselves, of course, we wouldn't want to interrupt!), before she decided to see if Eli wanted to call her little neice Maddie. Sure enough, he did. Just like that his fascination with pretty little Samantha was over in favor of another cute little girl. This time a blonde! Ah, the fickleness starts early. My son's already a "playa, playa!" ;)

Trust.

2008-03-31T12:20:00.002-05:00

The issue of trust plagues my thoughts today, so I looked for advice - where else? - on the web. Here are a few of the quotes I found.

"Trust is like a vase. Once it's broken...though you can fix it, the vase will never be the same again."

"Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart."

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."

The "advice" I found just complicates things all the more. I'll take the second and try to trust my heart...and pray that the Lord places the real "advice" directly on it.

Eli - Heaven?!

2008-03-31T10:07:00.002-05:00

My baby boy is four. It doesn't seem possible that four years ago yesterday, I was in the hospital praying that my sweet little angel would be healthy (and would HURRY up and get here)! ;) In fact, I told Eli the story right when we woke up yesterday morning...right after I told him Happy Birthday and that he was now officially four years old. Which, a little side note here, was the funniest thing ever! He was so excited...he giggled a bit, said "I'm FOUR" over and over again, then giggled some more. He then followed up with, "I feel so BIG!" Lol. Okay - back to the original story. I told him that four years ago today, I was in the hospital. He interrupted right away and said, "Oh no, Mommy! Why?" I explained that I was in the hospital to get him out of my tummy... He said, "Oh, oh! I 'member that!" I said "Oh, you do?" laughed, then we got up and got ready for church. At lunch, I was telling my little brother the story and Eli interjected that he DOES remember. He said it was like a swimming pool in there, and a park, and the ice cream man was there and God was there. Hmmm...I had to ask if he really thought Mommy's tummy was big enough for all of that (which at the time, I certainly felt like it was), but in all sincerity, it made me wonder if in some way our little ones DO remember. All of those things would be like Heaven for Eli...a little slice of Heaven before entering the "real world." Just a little something to ponder.

Eli turns FOUR!!

2008-03-31T10:03:00.003-05:00

Reality.

2008-02-24T09:09:00.003-06:00

Yet again, my heart has been broken. My character and integrity have just been harshly criticized by the very person who told me that he loves me more than anything and the very person whom I loved so dearly. There was a time in my life when I would allow those cruel words to crush me, because I wasn't completely comfortable with who I was. But I now know that, like everyone, I have my faults and I have done things that I'm not proud of...but that does NOT make me a bad person. I will not allow someone to tell me that I'm not a good person or a good mother, simply because they are looking for something hateful and negative to say. Especially when I work so hard to be both. That being said, it is incredibly disheartening to know that someone who is supposedly in love with me could be so hurtful. I'm hurt, confused, but mostly disappointed.

Why?

2008-02-19T16:37:00.002-06:00

Why is it that every time I feel like I have my life in order, that everything is finally falling into place...something happens to knock me off my feet? Wait, I think I just answered my own question. I just re-read that sentence, "every time I feel like I have my life in order" and realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm trying too hard to do it on my own - once again - and not relying on the Lord like I should. Wow. There's something to be said for blogging to give you perspective.

Eli - that smile!

2008-02-13T14:38:00.003-06:00

Eli is adorable...and unfortunately, he knows it. Possibly because every waking moment, someone is telling him how cute he is. Today, a woman came up to him and said, "I hate to say this, but you are the prettiest boy I've ever seen." To that, he simply flashes that Eli smile. The boy can do no wrong when he flashes that smile, even sometimes with his mommy - the ultimate disciplinarian. At lunch today, he looked up at me, smiled, wiggled his little bottom and said, "Mommy, you drive me nuts!" What?! And all I could do was laugh. Oh wow...

Eli - Future American Idol?

2008-02-13T14:19:00.003-06:00

Eli loves to watch TV with me before we go to bed. Each night we watch a "mommy show." The Amazing Race is the "airplane show," Survivor is the "show where they play games" and American Idol is the "singing show." It is also his favorite, because he loves, loves, loves to sing, play instruments and dance. Last night was "Hollywood Week" and on this episode, the judges narrow down the contestants to the top 24 who actually go before a voting audience. Anyway, the contestants were all on stage, performing with a full band. Eli was mesmerized. He kept commenting on how good each performer was, and amazingly - he was right on (as if I'm the ultimate judge). Toward the end of the show, he said, "Mommy, when I'm 5, you and me need to go there (pointing to the stage) and I'll sing. You can bring the guitar." :)

A Welcome Addition

2008-02-09T21:48:00.000-06:00

It's taken me awhile to post. That's mostly because every time I have something on my mind and venture to my page to type...my last blog and Riley's picture pop up and I'm reminded once again of the great life we've lost, be it temporarily. But, I know I need to move on and post again...

Eli and I are now blessed to have TWO additions to our home. My friend Tessa has moved in and her and her cat, Charley, now call our house home. I'm loving it. Sure, Eli's testing every boundary, wondering if I'll really enforce the rules in front of the new roommate. And, Max is becoming Super-Dog, enforcing the fact that he was here first. If you can imagine Eli chasing Max, who's chasing Charley...eesh! It's definitely a three-ring circus...but, I'm still loving every minute of it. It's so nice to have an adult around again, and even better, for the adult to be a friend and someone I know I'll grow even closer to over time. It's only been five days and I already feel like we've been friends for a lifetime. I'm blessed.

Rest in Peace, Riley.

2008-01-29T10:40:00.000-06:00

Riley Troth
1918-2008

CANYON - Riley Troth, 89, died Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008.
Riley William Troth was born on Aug. 6, 1918, in Yale, Okla., to Harry and Eva Mae Coiner Troth. He married Mary Bowman in Brownwood on Feb. 7, 1942. He graduated from High School in Phillips. He was an Army Air Corp veteran of the 316th troop carrier group. He flew troops and supplies and dropped them into France on D-Day. He attended West Texas State College and graduated from the University of Colorado School of Pharmacy.
Riley practiced pharmacy for 50 years in Amarillo and Canyon. He was the owner of Canyon Drug from 1951 to 1967. He was one of the founders of Hidden Falls Ranch at Wayside. He was a volunteer for hospice, Meals on Wheels and Books on Wheels. He was a member of the Evangelical Fellowship Church in Amarillo.

*Riley was like an adopted grandfather to me, since my own grandfathers died when I was 3 and 11 years old. He was an amazing man. He always lit up when he saw me and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world at that moment. He always remembered to send cards to everyone he knew for every occasion - births, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations...everything. And they ALWAYS had his trademark smiley face. :) It was a sad day when Riley moved into the nursing home, but Eli and I would try to make the most of it and bring him the cookies with frosting he loved. He never failed to eat a whole one on the spot! I explained to Eli each time that we were visiting Riley, because this was Riley's home now and he was no longer able to drive and visit others. It taught Eli about loving and serving others and I thank Riley for that. In his last days, Eli and I visited Riley and although it was difficult to see him in that state...Eli didn't mind that he was no longer able to respond. He simply rubbed his arm and told him about his day and his puppy Max. When we left, Eli said we needed to come back and visit Riley soon and I explained that Riley may not be here for long. He asked where he was going and I answered Heaven. Eli was quiet for a minute and said we could visit him there. I explained that we would someday, but for now, we couldn't...but that Riley would be much happier there. Immediately, Eli remembered what I had told him before and said he was happy that Riley would be able to drive in Heaven. I laughed through the tears brewing in my eyes and told him, yes, he would...and that he would be able to walk freely again. Eli added that he'd be able to run too. That was a lesson in life and death and Riley, I thank you for that too. Even in your death, you are touching others. You are truly an inspiration and I once said this world wouldn't be the same without you in it...and it's not. But I look forward to seeing you again someday. Until then, Riley, rest in peace. We love you.

happiness

2008-01-13T18:07:00.001-06:00

*eli saying "i love you, mommy."*the sound and smell of the ocean*a good meal*puppy breath*thursday night dinners with my family*the worship part of the church service*vegas*blackjack*eli saying his prayers every night*cuddling with max*wine*crazy nights out with the girls*a surprise text or call*the amazing race*trust*sweet texts*long talks with jenn*mtv*honesty*a good run*party cove*my daddy's accent*the regular happy hour group*hugs*american idol*sale shopping*dancing*babies*blogging*bringing cookies to riley*a productive day at work*silly, but new myspace messages*unconditional love*pictures*making people smile*wtamu*cold sheets and pillows*traveling*karaoke*hotel rooms*chelsea lately*a nice reception*boston pubs*live music*lunch with wendi*a cute pair of jeans*eli singing to me while i'm in the shower*meeting new people*deep conversations*mexican food*lime in my beer*coldstone creamery birthday cake remix*laying out by the pool*hanging out at a baseball game*having people over*christmas decorations*a long, hot, uninterrupted shower*fruity, girly drinks*

Friendship

2008-01-10T13:18:00.000-06:00

A six and a half year burden was lifted off of my shoulders today and it's amazing how the words "I'm sorry" can mean so much. I had lunch today with a former roommate, who was once one of my very best friends and confidantes. We really haven't spoken, except for a chance meeting at Hobby Lobby, in more than six years. Our relationship splintered at a time when we were both in the midst of life-changing decisions and although neither one of us can recall exactly what happened, we went from constant companions to relative complete strangers. The loss of our relationship (along with that of another friend) completely devastated me. I have never, ever been so lonely and so confused. Looking back, it was a mixture of immaturity and miscommunication and everyone involved was at fault, but back then - I just couldn't fathom what I had done so wrong to make my best friends turn away from me in what I felt was a dire time of need. The hurt I felt from that life experience has followed me through the years, and although time has healed so much, I have unfortunately continued to hold that in my heart. I am so thankful to say that today is a new day. Not only do I feel a sense of validation, I also feel hope for our future...and I look forward to having her in my life once again.

Live in the Moment

2008-01-08T18:33:00.000-06:00

"We live but a fraction of our lives."

Henry David Thoreau

How very true that simple statement is. I've always been one to look forward to the next big thing or event in my life - be it something as meaningful as the birth of my child or something as entertaining as a trip with friends. But it's never been more true than it is now, as I find myself continuously longing for the next time I see my long-distance boyfriend, with whom I so cherish our time together. I count down the days, but forget that as I count, I lose a part of my life that I can't get back. I know I'm being sentimental...but after spending the last 48 hours cranky because life isn't always fair, I decided I need to focus again on the things that make me happy. Every day. Now, that doesn't mean I won't long for that next special time, but it does mean that I'll live every longing moment. ;)

"Use your precious moments to live life fully

every single second of every single day."

Marcia Wieder

As Eli Grows: Santa

2007-12-25T19:06:00.000-06:00

Eli really doesn't like Santa. At all. I mean, he likes the thought of Santa leaving lots of toys...but he doesn't really like the thought of Santa being in his house. Yesterday morning, he didn't wake up until 8:15 a.m. to get a drink of water. He was actually laying back down when I told him that I thought Santa had come last night. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Momma, I don't HEAR him." Eesh... Once he saw the presents, though, he was good to go!

Domestic Violence

2007-12-25T18:20:00.000-06:00

One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

-The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Domestic violence has been on my mind a lot lately. At first, I thought it was because of past experience and the fact that I'm about to begin my second term at Family Support Services, a local agency that focuses on the tragic epidemic...but I stayed up late last night thinking about it and I now realize it's because it's the holiday season - the prime time for domestic violence across the nation. During my stint as a crime reporter, one of the most depressing and terrifying stories I wrote was following a police ride-along to an overwhelming number of domestic violence calls. Officers told me a domestic violence call is one of the most dangerous calls an officer can respond to, and after seeing it firsthand...I see why. Domestic violence is a very complicated CYCLE. It often begins with threats and name-calling and moves to emotional and psychological abuse. Before long, the victim is so manipulated that they feel they have no control over the physical abuse that follows...and probably even believe they provoked the abuse.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault

by an intimate partner each year.

-The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is affecting someone around you right now. Your mother, your sister, your best friend, your co-worker. If you see the signs, don't try to rationalize why you shouldn't intervene. Let them know you are there for them. Realize that it may not sink in right away, but I guarantee that seed will grow when the victim is ready.

Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported

in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

-The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

If you feel you are in the beginning stages of the domestic violence cycle, please get out now. It won't be easy, but it might just save your life. The earlier you are able to leave the cycle, the better. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more manipulation you endure until you become a shell of yourself... I know. For a short time, I've been there. I've felt the fear looking into the eyes of someone who was in a jealous rage. I've lied to friends and family members about the bruises on my body. ...and I've always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman who would never let something like that happen to me. It can happen to anyone. Teach the young girls you know that they never, ever deserve to be abused in any way - mentally, emotionally or physically, welcome those you know might need your support with open arms, and pray for strength and guidance for those who are suffering. Again, it can happen to anyone.

Mighty Maximus

2007-12-15T17:51:00.000-06:00

Eli and I have a new addition to our family...a Chihuahua we rescued from the local shelter today! I figured he's probably had a rough life (he was shaking and scared to death when we got him) and could use a little self-confidence. With a name like Maximus, he can't go wrong! ;) I know, I know...I swore I would never, ever own a Chihuahua...but honestly, I think he may be the sweetest, loving dog I've ever owned. He wants to be as close to you as possible and he's perfectly content cuddled up on the couch watching cartoons with Eli. Eli quickly bonded with Max as well and I'm so excited about our new addition! :)

As Eli Grows: Prayer

2007-12-14T09:51:00.000-06:00

My family prays before every meal, so Eli knows what is expected of him before we eat. Last night, my dad asked Eli if he'd like to lead the prayer. He said yes and his prayer went a little like this:

"God is good, God is great.

Let us thank Him for this food. AMEN! (very loudly!)"

It was a little off, but we were all SO proud of him! One of my biggest goals is to raise this sweet little boy into a Godly man, and what a blessing it was to see him grow a little more last night! :)

As Eli Grows: Broadway on Ice

2007-12-13T14:48:00.000-06:00

Mom, Dad and I took Eli to see Broadway on Ice earlier this week and he was mesmerized by it all! Every time the ice skaters would take a break, he would ask where the "skateboards" were. I corrected him a few times with "ice skates" and he seemed to understand. Minutes later, he asked again where the "ice boards" were! ;) Ahh, how confusing it can all be! During the same show, one of the performers, a man, came out with a great deal of makeup on and Eli turned to me with a very confused face and said, "Momma, he looks WEIRD!"

Proud to be Italian: Family History

2007-12-13T14:31:00.000-06:00

My Italian heritage has always fascinated me - maybe because I grew up thousands of miles away from my Italian family and only caught biannual glimpses of the traditions that should have been my own...or maybe because I grew up in an area with so few Italians that I, myself, was a mystery to many. Thanks to a couple of strong Italian women in Amarillo who formed the Italian-American Club, I now get a taste of home every month. After being asked to send them my family history, I compiled the information below from my Auntie Ina, who lives in Manchester, NH.

My maternal great-grandparents, Vincent John and Concetta (Gangi) Gianussa, and my paternal great-grandparents, Francis Paul and Ina Frances (Safina) Bertolino, Sr., emigrated here from Palermo, Italy between 1920 and 1923. I was told Ina Frances was really Gasperina Frances, but she changed it to Ina during the processing at Ellis Island because it was too complicated to communicate. Vincent and Concetta were employed as a valet and a teacher for a wealthy family in Sicily. I was told Ina (Safina) was part of the Safina royal family in Sicily which lost most of their wealth when the Girabaldis waged war in the 1860s and 1870s. Francis Paul bought a small fishing vessel in Gloucester, MA then sold that to buy a wharf to process fish. He then moved his family to Salisbury (where I grew up) where he operated a fish wholesale/retail business that remains in the family.

Breaking Down the Walls

2007-12-09T19:29:00.000-06:00

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first.

Ask questions, then feel the answer.

Learn to trust your heart.”

Over the years, I have built walls of steel around my heart. I have questioned whether I have truly loved anyone, because I've been able to walk away from every relationship I've ever had with my heart relatively in tact. I've been hurt, but I've always been the one to leave it all behind. Sometimes, I realized the feelings weren't strong enough and other times, it's because I felt I owed it to myself not to allow myself to be treated the way I was being treated. But every time, it was by my own accord. I've often wondered if that's healthy. I don't regret walking away from any relationship (except for maybe the length of time it took me to walk away), but I often wonder that if in the process, the walls are now so high that it's almost impossible for me to let someone in so completely. When do you know whether it's best to follow your heart or your head? When do you decide to set down the fear of vulnerability and the need for control to dive in head first? When do you do away with your cynicism of mankind and relationships in general that has been built up for years and search for, then allow, the love you once believed was possible? While I don't know the answers to these questions, I am beginning to realize that what has happened in the past is not the future...and while I should keep a sense of reality and rationality, God does have a plan for me. By continuing to live behind the barriers, I'm limiting the possibilities He's trying to place before me. Breaking down the walls is a huge step outside my comfort zone, but I'm willing to do so knowing that He is in control.

It is a glorious thing to know that your Father God makes no mistakes in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of your life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust him, no matter what.
- Joni Eareckson Tada -

My Best Friend

2007-11-25T18:23:00.000-06:00

I just heard My Best Friend by Tim McGraw on the radio and it reminded me of a time in my life where I was simply a romantic. I just knew back then that I would find my Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Jealousy, mistrust and emotional pain were foreign to me, while I daydreamed of my life with the man of my dreams, beautiful children and the white picket fence. While I still feel the white picket fence may be a little over the top, I'm working on regaining a bit of my naivete, a bit of my reckless abandon, so I can truly have a future filled with promise. The lyrics state exactly what I would love to find in my future mate and maybe, just maybe, one of these days I will... ;)

I never had no one I could count on.
I've been let down so many times.
I was tired of hurtin', so tired of searchin' till you walked into my life.
It was a feeling I'd never known...
And for the first time, I didn't feel alone.

You're more than a lover. There could never be another, to make me feel the way you do.
Oh we just get closer...I fall in love all over. Everytime I look at you.
I don't know where I'd be, without you here with me.
Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend.
You're my best friend, oh yeah.

You stand by me, and you believe in me... Like nobody ever has.
When my world goes crazy, you're right there to save me. You make me see how much I have.
And I still tremble, when we touch. And, oh the look in your eyes, when we make love.

You're more than a lover. There could never be another, to make me feel the way you do.
Oh we just get closer. I fall in love all over. Everytime I look at you.
And I don't know where I'd be, without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense.
You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

You're more than a lover. There could never be another, to make me feel the way you do.
Oh, we just get closer. I fall in love all over, everytime I look at you.
And I don't know where Id be, without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense.
You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

Love One's Self

2007-11-20T10:45:00.000-06:00

"To love one's self is the beginning of a life-long romance."
-Oscar Wilde

We all live busy lives, balancing family, work, and friends...and somehow, we forget to balance ourselves in the mix. We are constantly with other people and when we're forced to be alone, in the car or even on an elevator...we're on our cell phones! With that, I'll take it a step further. Some of us not only forget to spend time with ourselves, we run from that time...simply because it's the unknown. I find myself always focusing on the needs and wants of others, but never focusing on what I want or need. Is it because I'm selfless? I'd like to think so, but that's simply not always the case. Ever since I was a little girl, I've never wanted to be alone. Sure, my parents' divorce played a part in the fact that I felt a little uneasy about being "left," but I never, ever wanted to be alone. I couldn't sleep alone, I couldn't play alone...I couldn't even go to the restroom alone. And I didn't have to. My mother and I moved in with my aunt and two cousins and since there wasn't really room for me, I got to pick who I wanted to sleep with every night. I remember the panic I felt when I was forced to do what I thought was pure torture - sleep alone. When my mother remarried, I spent the first two weeks crying myself to sleep outside their locked bedroom door. A difficult lesson on independence, but one I most certainly needed to learn. Thinking back, I've always been an overachiever. I wanted to be involved in everything, so I was constantly busy and constantly entertained. I moved from my parents' home into a four-bedroom house with SEVEN other girls. Alone time was foreign to me, just like I wanted it to be. When I married, my husband was always there and when he wasn't, a friend or one of his sisters spent the night. When I divorced, I found myself completely alone on the nights Eli spent with his father. I remember vividly the first night he was gone. For so many reasons, I didn't know how to function. I cried myself to sleep. It was almost too much to handle. I then decided I didn't want to feel that feeling again and made sure I always had plans on the nights he was gone. Always. It was unhealthy, as many of those nights were spent out until all hours with the girls, but it worked for me at the time. I never had to focus on me. I never had to focus on what I wanted from life. And I didn't want to. I'm so happy to say that is all finally changing. I'm beginning to love spending time with me and it's becoming a luxury to spend an entire evening alone. I'm not sure what I was afraid of and it's sad that it's taken me 30 years to figure it out...but better late than never, I guess! ;)

This being said, I'm learning to love myself like I love my best friends, forgive myself for the things only I know I've done wrong, encourage myself to excel at everything I do, love myself, even the imperfections that most likely only I see, and most importantly, believe in myself.

Veteran's Day!

2007-11-10T19:37:00.000-06:00

Veteran's Day is tomorrow and the annual parade was this morning, so Mom (a veteran herself) and I took Eli. It was disheartening to me that so few people make it out to honor both the men and women who fought for our freedom and those still risking their lives for our country. The good news is, those who were in attendance braved the cold wind to feel the unity of our country and remember the bravery of our soldiers. Please continue to pray for our troops.

Mommy and Eli

2007-11-09T15:28:00.000-06:00

Well, it's just the two of us again and I am truly savoring our time together! I love my little man. He is truly amazing and so wise beyond his age. :) In fact, total strangers comment on his vocabulary and say he's like a little adult. A couple of weeks ago we headed out, like many other mornings, before the sun was up. He said, "Mommy, I think the sun is tired this morning, because it won't get out of bed." When he's finished talking on the phone, instead of dropping it and taking off to play...he simply says "Oooo-kaaayyy" in a sing-song voice to let you know he's ready. Lol. He loves to make sure Mommy's happy and even "holds me" at naptime. There's nothing more wonderful than waking up to my precious boy with his beautiful pouty lips. I'm so blessed.

Life is full of change.

2007-11-09T15:19:00.000-06:00

I've avoided typing this post for quite a while now, because I knew it was going to be a difficult one to write. My life has changed, yet again. I decided to end my engagement to Kelby over a month ago. It was a difficult decision and one that I struggled with off and on, because he and Eli were so close. And although it's been hard...I know it's for the best. I've come to the realization that there are times in your life when your love for someone just doesn't overcome. For those of you concerned about Eli, please do not worry. He's dealing amazingly well with the situation and is enjoying his alone time with Mommy. Time will heal and I am excited about our future.

Eli - all BOY!

2007-09-21T11:24:00.000-05:00

I think my sweet little boy has actually turned into a BOY. He's always been so loving and sweet...and has preferred to curl up in my lap rather than run around the room like a crazy man. Well, not so much anymore! He has more energy in one day than I think I have in a MONTH. Wow. He's also really (or weer-wee, in Eli speak) testing his boundaries - which as all of you mothers know - is incredibly challenging. But...he's all mine and I absolutely adore him. :)

Words of Wisdom

2007-09-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

Be kinder than necessary...for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

This is one of my favorite quotes. Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone followed this simple creed?

Smile.

2007-09-04T14:34:00.000-05:00

My mother taught me at a young age that you never know what kind of an influence you can have on someone's day...by simply smiling. And even when I'm having the worst day, I try my best to do just that. On a good day, I try to take it a step further and throw in a compliment to a complete stranger, just to see them smile and know that I made them happy...if only for a minute. I guess that's why I don't understand why other people can be so mean. I know I can be overly sensitive, but I just don't understand why people go out of their way to bring you down - either with a comment or a dirty look. It baffles me. I realize that many of you will say they're judging or simply jealous, but I still don't get it. There will always be someone who's prettier than you, richer than you, smarter than you... So think of others before yourself and smile anyway. You never know who's watching. :)

I wrote this blog on my Myspace page last October and read it occasionally to remind myself to do just that: smile. This has been a wonderful year, but it's also been a difficult one... I'm 30 years old, yet so naive. I've somehow ended up the focus of a great deal of animosity and deceit from people I barely even know...and it's shown me the dark side of human nature. My initial reaction has been to shut down, to break down emotionally and to move as far away from that negative energy as possible...even if the negative energy is inadvertently around the people I love. But I realize that's not the answer. The answer is to embrace the positive, to show the positive, to show God's love through my love for others - regardless of their animosity or hatred toward me.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven."
~Luke 6:37~

The message is: "Live as Jesus did. Learn how to transcend negativity and stay serene, no matter what is happening around you. This device will teach how to stop reacting to the outside world and lead a more spiritual and compassionate life."

Eli

2007-08-21T15:15:00.000-05:00

Eli Michael - born 3/30/04. He is such a blessing and my absolute reason for living! He will be 3 1/2 next month and I can't believe how time has flown! It seems like forever ago when I held him in my arms for the first time, marveling at the amazing gift the Lord had given me! Days later, at home alone with him, I remember sitting there realizing I was his sole source of nutrition and his safe place in this world that can be so cold...and wondering how in the world I was going to raise him to be the man the Lord wanted him to be! Through trial and error, we made it through the first few days...the first few months...and now, the first few years.

Eli is an amazing little guy! He loves to sing and dance...and I can't decide if he's going to be a musician or an athlete. He's had an arm since before he could walk and if you're not paying attention, he'll throw a ball at you at lightening speed! We started playing golf with him a few months ago and he can hit the ball harder and straighter than me! I call him my little "retirement package..." We'll see! ;)

Eli is also such a loving little boy. He loves his Momma and needs to be as close to me as possible - most of the time rubbing my arm or kissing it repeatedly. It's his thing and it makes him happy! ;) He tells me all the time, "Momma, I love you sooo much!" And he loves the extended, crazy family he now has... He has more grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles than any kid I know! But, on the bright side - he's loved unconditionally by so, so many people...and it shows. I'm blessed that he stays with my mom - his grandma - most of the time and his aunt and little cousin a few days a month as well. His time with his baby cousin has made him so caring toward all of the children in our lives... He loves to rub their faces and give them hugs and kisses! I just know he'll be an amazing big brother when the time comes...

Getting Started...

2007-08-21T15:05:00.000-05:00

An email from Trisha Dawn announcing her new blog and I'm off and running! :) In the hustle and bustle that has become my life, I often forget about the little things...the things that make me smile, the things that make me think. Eli changes almost daily and this is a wonderful way to chronicle his growth and amazing spirit! :)