As Eli Grows: Santa

Eli really doesn't like Santa. At all. I mean, he likes the thought of Santa leaving lots of toys...but he doesn't really like the thought of Santa being in his house. Yesterday morning, he didn't wake up until 8:15 a.m. to get a drink of water. He was actually laying back down when I told him that I thought Santa had come last night. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Momma, I don't HEAR him." Eesh... Once he saw the presents, though, he was good to go!

Domestic Violence

One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

-The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Domestic violence has been on my mind a lot lately. At first, I thought it was because of past experience and the fact that I'm about to begin my second term at Family Support Services, a local agency that focuses on the tragic epidemic...but I stayed up late last night thinking about it and I now realize it's because it's the holiday season - the prime time for domestic violence across the nation. During my stint as a crime reporter, one of the most depressing and terrifying stories I wrote was following a police ride-along to an overwhelming number of domestic violence calls. Officers told me a domestic violence call is one of the most dangerous calls an officer can respond to, and after seeing it firsthand...I see why. Domestic violence is a very complicated CYCLE. It often begins with threats and name-calling and moves to emotional and psychological abuse. Before long, the victim is so manipulated that they feel they have no control over the physical abuse that follows...and probably even believe they provoked the abuse.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault

by an intimate partner each year.

-The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is affecting someone around you right now. Your mother, your sister, your best friend, your co-worker. If you see the signs, don't try to rationalize why you shouldn't intervene. Let them know you are there for them. Realize that it may not sink in right away, but I guarantee that seed will grow when the victim is ready.

Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported

in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

-The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

If you feel you are in the beginning stages of the domestic violence cycle, please get out now. It won't be easy, but it might just save your life. The earlier you are able to leave the cycle, the better. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more manipulation you endure until you become a shell of yourself... I know. For a short time, I've been there. I've felt the fear looking into the eyes of someone who was in a jealous rage. I've lied to friends and family members about the bruises on my body. ...and I've always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman who would never let something like that happen to me. It can happen to anyone. Teach the young girls you know that they never, ever deserve to be abused in any way - mentally, emotionally or physically, welcome those you know might need your support with open arms, and pray for strength and guidance for those who are suffering. Again, it can happen to anyone.

Mighty Maximus

Eli and I have a new addition to our family...a Chihuahua we rescued from the local shelter today! I figured he's probably had a rough life (he was shaking and scared to death when we got him) and could use a little self-confidence. With a name like Maximus, he can't go wrong! ;) I know, I know...I swore I would never, ever own a Chihuahua...but honestly, I think he may be the sweetest, loving dog I've ever owned. He wants to be as close to you as possible and he's perfectly content cuddled up on the couch watching cartoons with Eli. Eli quickly bonded with Max as well and I'm so excited about our new addition! :)

As Eli Grows: Prayer

My family prays before every meal, so Eli knows what is expected of him before we eat. Last night, my dad asked Eli if he'd like to lead the prayer. He said yes and his prayer went a little like this:

"God is good, God is great.

Let us thank Him for this food. AMEN! (very loudly!)"

It was a little off, but we were all SO proud of him! One of my biggest goals is to raise this sweet little boy into a Godly man, and what a blessing it was to see him grow a little more last night! :)

As Eli Grows: Broadway on Ice

Mom, Dad and I took Eli to see Broadway on Ice earlier this week and he was mesmerized by it all! Every time the ice skaters would take a break, he would ask where the "skateboards" were. I corrected him a few times with "ice skates" and he seemed to understand. Minutes later, he asked again where the "ice boards" were! ;) Ahh, how confusing it can all be! During the same show, one of the performers, a man, came out with a great deal of makeup on and Eli turned to me with a very confused face and said, "Momma, he looks WEIRD!"

Proud to be Italian: Family History

My Italian heritage has always fascinated me - maybe because I grew up thousands of miles away from my Italian family and only caught biannual glimpses of the traditions that should have been my own...or maybe because I grew up in an area with so few Italians that I, myself, was a mystery to many. Thanks to a couple of strong Italian women in Amarillo who formed the Italian-American Club, I now get a taste of home every month. After being asked to send them my family history, I compiled the information below from my Auntie Ina, who lives in Manchester, NH.

My maternal great-grandparents, Vincent John and Concetta (Gangi) Gianussa, and my paternal great-grandparents, Francis Paul and Ina Frances (Safina) Bertolino, Sr., emigrated here from Palermo, Italy between 1920 and 1923. I was told Ina Frances was really Gasperina Frances, but she changed it to Ina during the processing at Ellis Island because it was too complicated to communicate. Vincent and Concetta were employed as a valet and a teacher for a wealthy family in Sicily. I was told Ina (Safina) was part of the Safina royal family in Sicily which lost most of their wealth when the Girabaldis waged war in the 1860s and 1870s. Francis Paul bought a small fishing vessel in Gloucester, MA then sold that to buy a wharf to process fish. He then moved his family to Salisbury (where I grew up) where he operated a fish wholesale/retail business that remains in the family.

Breaking Down the Walls

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first.

Ask questions, then feel the answer.

Learn to trust your heart.”

Over the years, I have built walls of steel around my heart. I have questioned whether I have truly loved anyone, because I've been able to walk away from every relationship I've ever had with my heart relatively in tact. I've been hurt, but I've always been the one to leave it all behind. Sometimes, I realized the feelings weren't strong enough and other times, it's because I felt I owed it to myself not to allow myself to be treated the way I was being treated. But every time, it was by my own accord. I've often wondered if that's healthy. I don't regret walking away from any relationship (except for maybe the length of time it took me to walk away), but I often wonder that if in the process, the walls are now so high that it's almost impossible for me to let someone in so completely. When do you know whether it's best to follow your heart or your head? When do you decide to set down the fear of vulnerability and the need for control to dive in head first? When do you do away with your cynicism of mankind and relationships in general that has been built up for years and search for, then allow, the love you once believed was possible? While I don't know the answers to these questions, I am beginning to realize that what has happened in the past is not the future...and while I should keep a sense of reality and rationality, God does have a plan for me. By continuing to live behind the barriers, I'm limiting the possibilities He's trying to place before me. Breaking down the walls is a huge step outside my comfort zone, but I'm willing to do so knowing that He is in control.

It is a glorious thing to know that your Father God makes no mistakes in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of your life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust him, no matter what.
- Joni Eareckson Tada -

My Best Friend

I just heard My Best Friend by Tim McGraw on the radio and it reminded me of a time in my life where I was simply a romantic. I just knew back then that I would find my Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Jealousy, mistrust and emotional pain were foreign to me, while I daydreamed of my life with the man of my dreams, beautiful children and the white picket fence. While I still feel the white picket fence may be a little over the top, I'm working on regaining a bit of my naivete, a bit of my reckless abandon, so I can truly have a future filled with promise. The lyrics state exactly what I would love to find in my future mate and maybe, just maybe, one of these days I will... ;)

I never had no one I could count on.
I've been let down so many times.
I was tired of hurtin', so tired of searchin' till you walked into my life.
It was a feeling I'd never known...
And for the first time, I didn't feel alone.

You're more than a lover. There could never be another, to make me feel the way you do.
Oh we just get closer...I fall in love all over. Everytime I look at you.
I don't know where I'd be, without you here with me.
Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend.
You're my best friend, oh yeah.

You stand by me, and you believe in me... Like nobody ever has.
When my world goes crazy, you're right there to save me. You make me see how much I have.
And I still tremble, when we touch. And, oh the look in your eyes, when we make love.

You're more than a lover. There could never be another, to make me feel the way you do.
Oh we just get closer. I fall in love all over. Everytime I look at you.
And I don't know where I'd be, without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense.
You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

You're more than a lover. There could never be another, to make me feel the way you do.
Oh, we just get closer. I fall in love all over, everytime I look at you.
And I don't know where Id be, without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense.
You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

Love One's Self

"To love one's self is the beginning of a life-long romance."
-Oscar Wilde

We all live busy lives, balancing family, work, and friends...and somehow, we forget to balance ourselves in the mix. We are constantly with other people and when we're forced to be alone, in the car or even on an elevator...we're on our cell phones! With that, I'll take it a step further. Some of us not only forget to spend time with ourselves, we run from that time...simply because it's the unknown. I find myself always focusing on the needs and wants of others, but never focusing on what I want or need. Is it because I'm selfless? I'd like to think so, but that's simply not always the case. Ever since I was a little girl, I've never wanted to be alone. Sure, my parents' divorce played a part in the fact that I felt a little uneasy about being "left," but I never, ever wanted to be alone. I couldn't sleep alone, I couldn't play alone...I couldn't even go to the restroom alone. And I didn't have to. My mother and I moved in with my aunt and two cousins and since there wasn't really room for me, I got to pick who I wanted to sleep with every night. I remember the panic I felt when I was forced to do what I thought was pure torture - sleep alone. When my mother remarried, I spent the first two weeks crying myself to sleep outside their locked bedroom door. A difficult lesson on independence, but one I most certainly needed to learn. Thinking back, I've always been an overachiever. I wanted to be involved in everything, so I was constantly busy and constantly entertained. I moved from my parents' home into a four-bedroom house with SEVEN other girls. Alone time was foreign to me, just like I wanted it to be. When I married, my husband was always there and when he wasn't, a friend or one of his sisters spent the night. When I divorced, I found myself completely alone on the nights Eli spent with his father. I remember vividly the first night he was gone. For so many reasons, I didn't know how to function. I cried myself to sleep. It was almost too much to handle. I then decided I didn't want to feel that feeling again and made sure I always had plans on the nights he was gone. Always. It was unhealthy, as many of those nights were spent out until all hours with the girls, but it worked for me at the time. I never had to focus on me. I never had to focus on what I wanted from life. And I didn't want to. I'm so happy to say that is all finally changing. I'm beginning to love spending time with me and it's becoming a luxury to spend an entire evening alone. I'm not sure what I was afraid of and it's sad that it's taken me 30 years to figure it out...but better late than never, I guess! ;)

This being said, I'm learning to love myself like I love my best friends, forgive myself for the things only I know I've done wrong, encourage myself to excel at everything I do, love myself, even the imperfections that most likely only I see, and most importantly, believe in myself.

Veteran's Day!

Veteran's Day is tomorrow and the annual parade was this morning, so Mom (a veteran herself) and I took Eli. It was disheartening to me that so few people make it out to honor both the men and women who fought for our freedom and those still risking their lives for our country. The good news is, those who were in attendance braved the cold wind to feel the unity of our country and remember the bravery of our soldiers. Please continue to pray for our troops.

Mommy and Eli

Well, it's just the two of us again and I am truly savoring our time together! I love my little man. He is truly amazing and so wise beyond his age. :) In fact, total strangers comment on his vocabulary and say he's like a little adult. A couple of weeks ago we headed out, like many other mornings, before the sun was up. He said, "Mommy, I think the sun is tired this morning, because it won't get out of bed." When he's finished talking on the phone, instead of dropping it and taking off to play...he simply says "Oooo-kaaayyy" in a sing-song voice to let you know he's ready. Lol. He loves to make sure Mommy's happy and even "holds me" at naptime. There's nothing more wonderful than waking up to my precious boy with his beautiful pouty lips. I'm so blessed.

Life is full of change.

Eli - all BOY!

I think my sweet little boy has actually turned into a BOY. He's always been so loving and sweet...and has preferred to curl up in my lap rather than run around the room like a crazy man. Well, not so much anymore! He has more energy in one day than I think I have in a MONTH. Wow. He's also really (or weer-wee, in Eli speak) testing his boundaries - which as all of you mothers know - is incredibly challenging. But...he's all mine and I absolutely adore him. :)

Words of Wisdom

Be kinder than necessary...for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

This is one of my favorite quotes. Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone followed this simple creed?

Smile.

My mother taught me at a young age that you never know what kind of an influence you can have on someone's day...by simply smiling. And even when I'm having the worst day, I try my best to do just that. On a good day, I try to take it a step further and throw in a compliment to a complete stranger, just to see them smile and know that I made them happy...if only for a minute. I guess that's why I don't understand why other people can be so mean. I know I can be overly sensitive, but I just don't understand why people go out of their way to bring you down - either with a comment or a dirty look. It baffles me. I realize that many of you will say they're judging or simply jealous, but I still don't get it. There will always be someone who's prettier than you, richer than you, smarter than you... So think of others before yourself and smile anyway. You never know who's watching. :)

I wrote this blog on my Myspace page last October and read it occasionally to remind myself to do just that: smile. This has been a wonderful year, but it's also been a difficult one... I'm 30 years old, yet so naive. I've somehow ended up the focus of a great deal of animosity and deceit from people I barely even know...and it's shown me the dark side of human nature. My initial reaction has been to shut down, to break down emotionally and to move as far away from that negative energy as possible...even if the negative energy is inadvertently around the people I love. But I realize that's not the answer. The answer is to embrace the positive, to show the positive, to show God's love through my love for others - regardless of their animosity or hatred toward me.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven."
~Luke 6:37~

The message is: "Live as Jesus did. Learn how to transcend negativity and stay serene, no matter what is happening around you. This device will teach how to stop reacting to the outside world and lead a more spiritual and compassionate life."

Eli

Eli Michael - born 3/30/04. He is such a blessing and my absolute reason for living! He will be 3 1/2 next month and I can't believe how time has flown! It seems like forever ago when I held him in my arms for the first time, marveling at the amazing gift the Lord had given me! Days later, at home alone with him, I remember sitting there realizing I was his sole source of nutrition and his safe place in this world that can be so cold...and wondering how in the world I was going to raise him to be the man the Lord wanted him to be! Through trial and error, we made it through the first few days...the first few months...and now, the first few years.

Eli is an amazing little guy! He loves to sing and dance...and I can't decide if he's going to be a musician or an athlete. He's had an arm since before he could walk and if you're not paying attention, he'll throw a ball at you at lightening speed! We started playing golf with him a few months ago and he can hit the ball harder and straighter than me! I call him my little "retirement package..." We'll see! ;)

Eli is also such a loving little boy. He loves his Momma and needs to be as close to me as possible - most of the time rubbing my arm or kissing it repeatedly. It's his thing and it makes him happy! ;) He tells me all the time, "Momma, I love you sooo much!" And he loves the extended, crazy family he now has... He has more grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles than any kid I know! But, on the bright side - he's loved unconditionally by so, so many people...and it shows. I'm blessed that he stays with my mom - his grandma - most of the time and his aunt and little cousin a few days a month as well. His time with his baby cousin has made him so caring toward all of the children in our lives... He loves to rub their faces and give them hugs and kisses! I just know he'll be an amazing big brother when the time comes...

Getting Started...

An email from Trisha Dawn announcing her new blog and I'm off and running! :) In the hustle and bustle that has become my life, I often forget about the little things...the things that make me smile, the things that make me think. Eli changes almost daily and this is a wonderful way to chronicle his growth and amazing spirit! :)