Broken.

I wrote this in October, after getting back into a relationship I knew I shouldn't get back into...only to have it end it heartache. I was charmed back in once again...and it all came crashing down on me yesterday. The moral - follow God and follow your instincts... The mending process begins again.

The chilly fall wind outside seems to have made its way inside my body to the cold exterior layer of my heart. A heart that had finally allowed itself to open completely to a love I just knew was true and everlasting. A heart that listened intently to the charming, convincing words of a man who in the end, was not at all the man he portrayed himself to be. I have given my heart to God, instead of trying to mend the pieces myself. I know the ice will melt, and my heart will heal. Only then will I ask God to help me open myself up once again to the love and the future He has especially for me. Until that day, I will pray for grace and strength and focus on the overwhelming positives He has already given me.

Let It Go.

I stole this from my friend Ashley's blog. So very true. The only people you need in your life are the people who have shown they need you in theirs.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to........LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.........LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. "The Battle is the Lord's!"

Comfort

I'm in awe of the quote below...and have been in deep thought about it since my friend Jackie posted it on my Myspace page yesterday. This is truly, truly what I want...

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Safety and Security

What I need most and what I crave most in a relationship is safety and security. A friend told me the following while we were talking about relationships this week...and it really hit home. Very insightful.

"You need to feel safe in a relationship. To me, that comes from knowing you mean more to the other person than anyone else and that they will do everything they can to make you happy. Only then are you totally secure."

New York - Mom & Daughter Trip!

Mom and I had always wanted to travel to New York City, so that's exactly what we did! :) For my 31st birthday (ugh!), she set up an amazing trip and we had such a wonderful time!

We were able to see the Empire State Building...

...the musical Rent (I was dying to be on stage!)...

...and my favorite, the Staten Island Ferry!

But after a few days in record-breaking 100 degree weather + humidity...it was time to go!!

So handsome!

I just absolutely love this picture and had to share! :)

Eli - The Athlete!

Eli is officially finished with his first season of t-ball and soccer. Crazy us, we decided to sign him up for both sports at the same time...just to see which one he liked best! After shuttling the little guy between soccer practice, t-ball practice, soccer games, t-ball games, soccer pictures and t-ball pictures...we weren't all that upset to hear that he'd rather not play soccer next time. It WAS entertaining, though, to watch him try to stay as FAR AWAY from the soccer ball as possible. If that meant waiting for all of his other teammates to run by him in order to get to the back of the pack, that's exactly what he did! :)

T-ball was more his speed, but as you can see, he's the SMALLEST one out there! There was two Eli's on his team (so much for picking a unique name...) and he was "Little Eli." I certainly hope he grows soon! ;)

Eli - A Girlfriend?!

Ah, my sweet little boy has an eye for a sweet little girl! Her name is Samantha, and quite fitting, he has picked the absolute CUTEST girl in his Mother's Day Out class. Seriously, this girl is CUTE and she has the brightest red hair and biggest, bluest eyes. Not so bad, Eli. He spent all last night "calling" and "texting" her. Which by the way, what is this world coming to when a four year old knows how to text on his pretend phone?! Anyway, he paced up and down the hall (just like his mama) telling "Samantha" about his day. I could hear him in the other room asking her if she wanted to come over, then making up a little song that went something like this, "If you have a little dog, come over (imagine a high pitch ending), if you have a big dog, come over, if you have a table, come over (I'm assuming he was just saying whatever he saw at the time), if you have a shoe, come over..." It went on and on. Tessa and I were laughing (to ourselves, of course, we wouldn't want to interrupt!), before she decided to see if Eli wanted to call her little neice Maddie. Sure enough, he did. Just like that his fascination with pretty little Samantha was over in favor of another cute little girl. This time a blonde! Ah, the fickleness starts early. My son's already a "playa, playa!" ;)

Trust.

The issue of trust plagues my thoughts today, so I looked for advice - where else? - on the web. Here are a few of the quotes I found.

"Trust is like a vase. Once it's broken...though you can fix it, the vase will never be the same again."

"Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart."

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."

The "advice" I found just complicates things all the more. I'll take the second and try to trust my heart...and pray that the Lord places the real "advice" directly on it.

Eli - Heaven?!

My baby boy is four. It doesn't seem possible that four years ago yesterday, I was in the hospital praying that my sweet little angel would be healthy (and would HURRY up and get here)! ;) In fact, I told Eli the story right when we woke up yesterday morning...right after I told him Happy Birthday and that he was now officially four years old. Which, a little side note here, was the funniest thing ever! He was so excited...he giggled a bit, said "I'm FOUR" over and over again, then giggled some more. He then followed up with, "I feel so BIG!" Lol. Okay - back to the original story. I told him that four years ago today, I was in the hospital. He interrupted right away and said, "Oh no, Mommy! Why?" I explained that I was in the hospital to get him out of my tummy... He said, "Oh, oh! I 'member that!" I said "Oh, you do?" laughed, then we got up and got ready for church. At lunch, I was telling my little brother the story and Eli interjected that he DOES remember. He said it was like a swimming pool in there, and a park, and the ice cream man was there and God was there. Hmmm...I had to ask if he really thought Mommy's tummy was big enough for all of that (which at the time, I certainly felt like it was), but in all sincerity, it made me wonder if in some way our little ones DO remember. All of those things would be like Heaven for Eli...a little slice of Heaven before entering the "real world." Just a little something to ponder.

Eli turns FOUR!!

Reality.

Yet again, my heart has been broken. My character and integrity have just been harshly criticized by the very person who told me that he loves me more than anything and the very person whom I loved so dearly. There was a time in my life when I would allow those cruel words to crush me, because I wasn't completely comfortable with who I was. But I now know that, like everyone, I have my faults and I have done things that I'm not proud of...but that does NOT make me a bad person. I will not allow someone to tell me that I'm not a good person or a good mother, simply because they are looking for something hateful and negative to say. Especially when I work so hard to be both. That being said, it is incredibly disheartening to know that someone who is supposedly in love with me could be so hurtful. I'm hurt, confused, but mostly disappointed.

Why?

Why is it that every time I feel like I have my life in order, that everything is finally falling into place...something happens to knock me off my feet? Wait, I think I just answered my own question. I just re-read that sentence, "every time I feel like I have my life in order" and realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm trying too hard to do it on my own - once again - and not relying on the Lord like I should. Wow. There's something to be said for blogging to give you perspective.

Eli - that smile!

Eli is adorable...and unfortunately, he knows it. Possibly because every waking moment, someone is telling him how cute he is. Today, a woman came up to him and said, "I hate to say this, but you are the prettiest boy I've ever seen." To that, he simply flashes that Eli smile. The boy can do no wrong when he flashes that smile, even sometimes with his mommy - the ultimate disciplinarian. At lunch today, he looked up at me, smiled, wiggled his little bottom and said, "Mommy, you drive me nuts!" What?! And all I could do was laugh. Oh wow...

Eli - Future American Idol?

Eli loves to watch TV with me before we go to bed. Each night we watch a "mommy show." The Amazing Race is the "airplane show," Survivor is the "show where they play games" and American Idol is the "singing show." It is also his favorite, because he loves, loves, loves to sing, play instruments and dance. Last night was "Hollywood Week" and on this episode, the judges narrow down the contestants to the top 24 who actually go before a voting audience. Anyway, the contestants were all on stage, performing with a full band. Eli was mesmerized. He kept commenting on how good each performer was, and amazingly - he was right on (as if I'm the ultimate judge). Toward the end of the show, he said, "Mommy, when I'm 5, you and me need to go there (pointing to the stage) and I'll sing. You can bring the guitar." :)

A Welcome Addition

It's taken me awhile to post. That's mostly because every time I have something on my mind and venture to my page to type...my last blog and Riley's picture pop up and I'm reminded once again of the great life we've lost, be it temporarily. But, I know I need to move on and post again...

Eli and I are now blessed to have TWO additions to our home. My friend Tessa has moved in and her and her cat, Charley, now call our house home. I'm loving it. Sure, Eli's testing every boundary, wondering if I'll really enforce the rules in front of the new roommate. And, Max is becoming Super-Dog, enforcing the fact that he was here first. If you can imagine Eli chasing Max, who's chasing Charley...eesh! It's definitely a three-ring circus...but, I'm still loving every minute of it. It's so nice to have an adult around again, and even better, for the adult to be a friend and someone I know I'll grow even closer to over time. It's only been five days and I already feel like we've been friends for a lifetime. I'm blessed.

Rest in Peace, Riley.

Riley Troth
1918-2008

CANYON - Riley Troth, 89, died Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008.
Riley William Troth was born on Aug. 6, 1918, in Yale, Okla., to Harry and Eva Mae Coiner Troth. He married Mary Bowman in Brownwood on Feb. 7, 1942. He graduated from High School in Phillips. He was an Army Air Corp veteran of the 316th troop carrier group. He flew troops and supplies and dropped them into France on D-Day. He attended West Texas State College and graduated from the University of Colorado School of Pharmacy.
Riley practiced pharmacy for 50 years in Amarillo and Canyon. He was the owner of Canyon Drug from 1951 to 1967. He was one of the founders of Hidden Falls Ranch at Wayside. He was a volunteer for hospice, Meals on Wheels and Books on Wheels. He was a member of the Evangelical Fellowship Church in Amarillo.

*Riley was like an adopted grandfather to me, since my own grandfathers died when I was 3 and 11 years old. He was an amazing man. He always lit up when he saw me and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world at that moment. He always remembered to send cards to everyone he knew for every occasion - births, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations...everything. And they ALWAYS had his trademark smiley face. :) It was a sad day when Riley moved into the nursing home, but Eli and I would try to make the most of it and bring him the cookies with frosting he loved. He never failed to eat a whole one on the spot! I explained to Eli each time that we were visiting Riley, because this was Riley's home now and he was no longer able to drive and visit others. It taught Eli about loving and serving others and I thank Riley for that. In his last days, Eli and I visited Riley and although it was difficult to see him in that state...Eli didn't mind that he was no longer able to respond. He simply rubbed his arm and told him about his day and his puppy Max. When we left, Eli said we needed to come back and visit Riley soon and I explained that Riley may not be here for long. He asked where he was going and I answered Heaven. Eli was quiet for a minute and said we could visit him there. I explained that we would someday, but for now, we couldn't...but that Riley would be much happier there. Immediately, Eli remembered what I had told him before and said he was happy that Riley would be able to drive in Heaven. I laughed through the tears brewing in my eyes and told him, yes, he would...and that he would be able to walk freely again. Eli added that he'd be able to run too. That was a lesson in life and death and Riley, I thank you for that too. Even in your death, you are touching others. You are truly an inspiration and I once said this world wouldn't be the same without you in it...and it's not. But I look forward to seeing you again someday. Until then, Riley, rest in peace. We love you.

*happiness*

*eli saying "i love you, mommy."*the sound and smell of the ocean*a good meal*puppy breath*thursday night dinners with my family*the worship part of the church service*vegas*blackjack*eli saying his prayers every night*cuddling with max*wine*crazy nights out with the girls*a surprise text or call*the amazing race*trust*sweet texts*long talks with jenn*mtv*honesty*a good run*party cove*my daddy's accent*the regular happy hour group*hugs*american idol*sale shopping*dancing*babies*blogging*bringing cookies to riley*a productive day at work*silly, but new myspace messages*unconditional love*pictures*making people smile*wtamu*cold sheets and pillows*traveling*karaoke*hotel rooms*chelsea lately*a nice reception*boston pubs*live music*lunch with wendi*a cute pair of jeans*eli singing to me while i'm in the shower*meeting new people*deep conversations*mexican food*lime in my beer*coldstone creamery birthday cake remix*laying out by the pool*hanging out at a baseball game*having people over*christmas decorations*a long, hot, uninterrupted shower*fruity, girly drinks*

Friendship

A six and a half year burden was lifted off of my shoulders today and it's amazing how the words "I'm sorry" can mean so much. I had lunch today with a former roommate, who was once one of my very best friends and confidantes. We really haven't spoken, except for a chance meeting at Hobby Lobby, in more than six years. Our relationship splintered at a time when we were both in the midst of life-changing decisions and although neither one of us can recall exactly what happened, we went from constant companions to relative complete strangers. The loss of our relationship (along with that of another friend) completely devastated me. I have never, ever been so lonely and so confused. Looking back, it was a mixture of immaturity and miscommunication and everyone involved was at fault, but back then - I just couldn't fathom what I had done so wrong to make my best friends turn away from me in what I felt was a dire time of need. The hurt I felt from that life experience has followed me through the years, and although time has healed so much, I have unfortunately continued to hold that in my heart. I am so thankful to say that today is a new day. Not only do I feel a sense of validation, I also feel hope for our future...and I look forward to having her in my life once again.

Live in the Moment

"We live but a fraction of our lives."

Henry David Thoreau

How very true that simple statement is. I've always been one to look forward to the next big thing or event in my life - be it something as meaningful as the birth of my child or something as entertaining as a trip with friends. But it's never been more true than it is now. I count down the days, but forget that as I count, I lose a part of my life that I can't get back. I know I'm being sentimental...but after spending the last 48 hours cranky because life isn't always fair, I decided I need to focus again on the things that make me happy. Every day. Now, that doesn't mean I won't long for that next special time, but it does mean that I'll live every longing moment. ;)

"Use your precious moments to live life fully

every single second of every single day."

Marcia Wieder