Reality.

Yet again, my heart has been broken. My character and integrity have just been harshly criticized by the very person who told me that he loves me more than anything and the very person whom I loved so dearly. There was a time in my life when I would allow those cruel words to crush me, because I wasn't completely comfortable with who I was. But I now know that, like everyone, I have my faults and I have done things that I'm not proud of...but that does NOT make me a bad person. I will not allow someone to tell me that I'm not a good person or a good mother, simply because they are looking for something hateful and negative to say. Especially when I work so hard to be both. That being said, it is incredibly disheartening to know that someone who is supposedly in love with me could be so hurtful. I'm hurt, confused, but mostly disappointed.

Why?

Why is it that every time I feel like I have my life in order, that everything is finally falling into place...something happens to knock me off my feet? Wait, I think I just answered my own question. I just re-read that sentence, "every time I feel like I have my life in order" and realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm trying too hard to do it on my own - once again - and not relying on the Lord like I should. Wow. There's something to be said for blogging to give you perspective.

Eli - that smile!

Eli is adorable...and unfortunately, he knows it. Possibly because every waking moment, someone is telling him how cute he is. Today, a woman came up to him and said, "I hate to say this, but you are the prettiest boy I've ever seen." To that, he simply flashes that Eli smile. The boy can do no wrong when he flashes that smile, even sometimes with his mommy - the ultimate disciplinarian. At lunch today, he looked up at me, smiled, wiggled his little bottom and said, "Mommy, you drive me nuts!" What?! And all I could do was laugh. Oh wow...

Eli - Future American Idol?

Eli loves to watch TV with me before we go to bed. Each night we watch a "mommy show." The Amazing Race is the "airplane show," Survivor is the "show where they play games" and American Idol is the "singing show." It is also his favorite, because he loves, loves, loves to sing, play instruments and dance. Last night was "Hollywood Week" and on this episode, the judges narrow down the contestants to the top 24 who actually go before a voting audience. Anyway, the contestants were all on stage, performing with a full band. Eli was mesmerized. He kept commenting on how good each performer was, and amazingly - he was right on (as if I'm the ultimate judge). Toward the end of the show, he said, "Mommy, when I'm 5, you and me need to go there (pointing to the stage) and I'll sing. You can bring the guitar." :)

A Welcome Addition

It's taken me awhile to post. That's mostly because every time I have something on my mind and venture to my page to type...my last blog and Riley's picture pop up and I'm reminded once again of the great life we've lost, be it temporarily. But, I know I need to move on and post again...

Eli and I are now blessed to have TWO additions to our home. My friend Tessa has moved in and her and her cat, Charley, now call our house home. I'm loving it. Sure, Eli's testing every boundary, wondering if I'll really enforce the rules in front of the new roommate. And, Max is becoming Super-Dog, enforcing the fact that he was here first. If you can imagine Eli chasing Max, who's chasing Charley...eesh! It's definitely a three-ring circus...but, I'm still loving every minute of it. It's so nice to have an adult around again, and even better, for the adult to be a friend and someone I know I'll grow even closer to over time. It's only been five days and I already feel like we've been friends for a lifetime. I'm blessed.

Rest in Peace, Riley.

Riley Troth
1918-2008

CANYON - Riley Troth, 89, died Saturday, Jan. 26, 2008.
Riley William Troth was born on Aug. 6, 1918, in Yale, Okla., to Harry and Eva Mae Coiner Troth. He married Mary Bowman in Brownwood on Feb. 7, 1942. He graduated from High School in Phillips. He was an Army Air Corp veteran of the 316th troop carrier group. He flew troops and supplies and dropped them into France on D-Day. He attended West Texas State College and graduated from the University of Colorado School of Pharmacy.
Riley practiced pharmacy for 50 years in Amarillo and Canyon. He was the owner of Canyon Drug from 1951 to 1967. He was one of the founders of Hidden Falls Ranch at Wayside. He was a volunteer for hospice, Meals on Wheels and Books on Wheels. He was a member of the Evangelical Fellowship Church in Amarillo.

*Riley was like an adopted grandfather to me, since my own grandfathers died when I was 3 and 11 years old. He was an amazing man. He always lit up when he saw me and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world at that moment. He always remembered to send cards to everyone he knew for every occasion - births, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations...everything. And they ALWAYS had his trademark smiley face. :) It was a sad day when Riley moved into the nursing home, but Eli and I would try to make the most of it and bring him the cookies with frosting he loved. He never failed to eat a whole one on the spot! I explained to Eli each time that we were visiting Riley, because this was Riley's home now and he was no longer able to drive and visit others. It taught Eli about loving and serving others and I thank Riley for that. In his last days, Eli and I visited Riley and although it was difficult to see him in that state...Eli didn't mind that he was no longer able to respond. He simply rubbed his arm and told him about his day and his puppy Max. When we left, Eli said we needed to come back and visit Riley soon and I explained that Riley may not be here for long. He asked where he was going and I answered Heaven. Eli was quiet for a minute and said we could visit him there. I explained that we would someday, but for now, we couldn't...but that Riley would be much happier there. Immediately, Eli remembered what I had told him before and said he was happy that Riley would be able to drive in Heaven. I laughed through the tears brewing in my eyes and told him, yes, he would...and that he would be able to walk freely again. Eli added that he'd be able to run too. That was a lesson in life and death and Riley, I thank you for that too. Even in your death, you are touching others. You are truly an inspiration and I once said this world wouldn't be the same without you in it...and it's not. But I look forward to seeing you again someday. Until then, Riley, rest in peace. We love you.

*happiness*

*eli saying "i love you, mommy."*the sound and smell of the ocean*a good meal*puppy breath*thursday night dinners with my family*the worship part of the church service*vegas*blackjack*eli saying his prayers every night*cuddling with max*wine*crazy nights out with the girls*a surprise text or call*the amazing race*trust*sweet texts*long talks with jenn*mtv*honesty*a good run*party cove*my daddy's accent*the regular happy hour group*hugs*american idol*sale shopping*dancing*babies*blogging*bringing cookies to riley*a productive day at work*silly, but new myspace messages*unconditional love*pictures*making people smile*wtamu*cold sheets and pillows*traveling*karaoke*hotel rooms*chelsea lately*a nice reception*boston pubs*live music*lunch with wendi*a cute pair of jeans*eli singing to me while i'm in the shower*meeting new people*deep conversations*mexican food*lime in my beer*coldstone creamery birthday cake remix*laying out by the pool*hanging out at a baseball game*having people over*christmas decorations*a long, hot, uninterrupted shower*fruity, girly drinks*